Growing up as a little girl, you are genetically predisposed to wanting the ideal life, you know, that happy ending; I’m talkin’ white picket fence, three gorgeous children, a man with a chiseled face and body, an upstairs-downstairs home, Sunday dinners, road trips, the works! Sure there are exceptions, but somewhere down the line (that so happens to be jagged) you will either consider it, seek it, lose it or question why you haven’t arrived there yet. Or at least for me that often tends to be the case. I find myself staring at couples with googly eyes and the silent “aww” rising to the surface in admiration. I mentally record all of their gestures, the inches between each corner of their mouth to form their smiles (which feel genuine). How do I know, well their bodies match their faces and they are deliberate in just the right way. I mean its priceless. There aren’t enough zeroes in a paycheck to buy that I-AM-SO-IN-LOVE-WITH-YOU glare in a person’s eyes. No words in a script could ever give life to that PLEASE-LOVE-ME expression.
Then you sigh. Because you feel a breeze in a place where there should be flutters and magic. But nope, just dust. You can say aloud to as many people as you need to (in order to get five, maybe six hours of sleep at night) that you are fine…I’m FINE-F-I-N-E and A-OKAY with being the one who isn’t finding her glass slipper in the palm of Prince Charming. But somehow, Mr. Wrong and his cousin Mr. What-the-Hell keep stealing your Nike Free’s. So instead of kissing passionately until your lips begin numbing, at midnight you are wearing fleece pajamas, sipping on cheap wine, watching re-runs of things that are constantly reminding you that the line to your destination is a couple of lines, that go over a couple of walls and even under some bodies of water. Okay, that may sound extreme. For some it isn’t, they are standing in a Starbuck’s line and BAM! Channing Tatum has napkins and he’s 50-shades-of-ready for you. So now you have mocha-lovin’ and your dreams come true.
I’m not bitter. Let me say that—just a little salty. But something I consider when I have those Did my Guy get Lost episodes, is about why I’m not “The ONE.”
Okay let’s address the elephant in the room—women, we are not all “THE ONE” (well at least, not always when we think). There has to be some self-reflection or estrogen revelation hour where you realize you don’t always have it all together. You could have had third-degree-burn rendezvous as well but you don’t even like coffee. What am I getting at? We aren’t always our best us. We can’t go around thinking that men (or boys) are always the problem (even though they can be—a lot). But there is a time and place for accountability and before 30 is ideal.
I figure, 26 is a good age to start looking at the wo-MAN in the mirror and put an end to this madness. What is it, am I too nice, too mean, too thin; need more education, need less education. The why not me list gets very long. But here are 5 types of women who are NOT the one:
1) The independent (the proud): A walking-talking oxymoron (emphasis on the moron). You are goal-oriented, headstrong with an I can do it all by myself mentality. This means you throw yourself into education, work and all aspects of life with the mindset that you don’t need a man for anything. While this may be true, batteries get expensive, heating blankets will never be better than skin, you can’t marry yourself, dreams are amazing, but sharing them with a family is better. You can be ambitious and submissive (uh oh she said the S-word). Sorry! Not submissive in the 1970s apron-wearing voiceless wife kind of way; but in the employed, successful but domestic and yielding sort of way. It’s a myth that all men are intimidated by a strong woman. Some men can appreciate a hardworking, established woman. But allow the man to be a man (a protector, an aggressor, a provider). Overshadowing or trying to be the man in the relationship will send off this exact message “I don’t need you.” And well, you don’t, but you want them don’t you?
2) The insecure (the paranoid) – You usually have a ton of excuses. You constantly need validation, answers, explanations and an excessive amount of attention. You are dependent on your man to approve of you and others to approve of your man. You go from feeling like everything to nothing in 0-60 seconds. You are never satisfied and make comparisons between your guy and someone else’s or yourself and someone else. You are a searcher of red flags. You will dig and dig until you have something (whether imaginative or concrete) to satisfy that gut feeling (but it won’t). How can something bloom when you are secretly watering it with doubt? You place unreasonable expectations and play the victim card often. Everyone and everything that is done to you or felt by you is someone else’s fault. A man (especially a good one) will only tolerate this for so long. Even the best rollercoasters can make you nauseous if you keep getting on them. You are incomplete! You cannot compliment someone else if you aren’t whole to begin with.
3) The selfish (also known as the spoiled) – Want to know if this is you? The next time your guy tells you he is going out with his boys instead of staying in with you, gage your reaction. If you feel upset, jealous or annoyed—you’re selfish. It’s one thing to miss your man, but to want him to devote himself solely to you is selfish. Guys need their time too. The selfish woman often makes ultimatums, making a guy constantly choose between her and everything (children, friends, work, hobbies). You want to be treated like a queen and showered with affection and love, but put in only the effort you are willing too based on what you feel he deserves. Conversations and debates are usually centered around what you feel and rarely consider what he feels (or doesn’t). Selfish women thrive off guilt-trips. You won’t admit it, but when you don’t get your way, the guilt trip just slides right off the tongue. You’re looking out for your best interest and compromise is not your specialty.
4) The scorned (the broken) – Woe is me! You live in the city of regret and stay at the heartbreak hotel. You sing those familiar songs about being hurt, betrayed, lied to, used, abused. You reopen your wounds as much as possible. Hey, but you throw an amazing pity party! However, many men won’t continue to accept the invitation. There is nothing more unattractive than a woman who clothes herself in hurt and dwells on the past. That man is not responsible for those things that happened to you. He cannot be held next to the same burned-out candle used for others. He doesn’t stand a chance with you (or you with him). That baggage you bring on your new trip will only weigh you both down. It’s unfair and unfortunate. If you are not healed, you cannot move forward! Do the next guy a favor and steer clear of any relationships until you can be strong enough to dust yourself off, let go and give him a clean slate to start with.
5) The pessimist – The glass is always half-empty with you! You anticipate failures. One action/mistake will have you second-guessing everything. You keep your guard up and only give enough of yourself that you know if it fails, you can endure the loss. You are limited to negative thinking in fear of the possibility of failure. When you face challenges with your guy, you become cynical and condescending saying things like “I knew this would happen” or “see.” Nobody likes a negative Nancy. A man needs to be built up, encouraged and know that he has room to be human and make mistakes (just like you). We know you are perfect dear, but planting negative seeds in your relationship (and mind) will only grow bad fruit.
There are more types (and exceptions) of course, but these are the top 5. At one point in your life you have been or will be one or all of these types of women, whether you started off that way or grew to be because of experiences. But we can’t go playing the blame game and pinning everything on the opposite sex. Heck—we will probably never admit to being any of these individuals. That’s fine. The longer you avoid taking responsibility for your who you are, the longer it will take for you to get things right. If you want someone to step up to the plate, you have to be worth striking out for. To find the one, you must be the one.
-ElleTee
Like Know Tomorrow 